You may have mixed feelings while a loved one is dying.
You may hold on to hope while also beginning to let go.
These emotions can be deeply painful.
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To make matters worse, people are less likely to get support for their grief at this time.
Sometimes, other people who have not been through this experience may react poorly.
They may think you are giving up on the dying person.
Understand Your Grief
Anticipatory grief is deep sadness felt during the last days of life.
It can be experienced by both the dying person and the dying person’s loved ones.
Still, grief before death doesn’t replace or even shorten the period of grieving that follows death.
People sometimes use words like “battle” and “fight” to describe terminal illness.
These metaphors incorrectly suggest that patients can “beat” their illness with enough effort.
This can make it hard for the dying person and their loved ones to express grief before death.
Not everyone feels anticipatory grief, but it is common.
You may feel like you are somewhere between holding on and letting go.
Some people find this very painful.
They may feel they are betraying their loved one if they lean at all towards letting go.
You don’t have to choose.
You could also experience a delay as you process the information about your loved one’s diagnosis.
Let yourself feel the pain in your heart.
This helps you be honest and true with yourself.
Anticipatory grief is not just grief for the coming death of a loved one.
Denying the pain you feel now can prolong grief later on.
Grief serves a purpose, whether it occurs before death or after death.
Researchers have identifiedfour phases and tasks of grief.
The tasks include:
This doesnt mean you should give up on your loved one or forget them.
Instead, these tasks will help you hold onto the joy and love you once shared.
They can also help temper the deep sadness that may make remembering painful.
Always give yourself permission to feel sad or ask for support from other people in your life.
Its important to let yourself feel your pain.
Still, many people find it hard to express grief before death.
They may feel they are being unsupportive of their dying loved one.
Talking to a trusted friend is a good way to cope with these feelings.
Nobody should have to face anticipatory grief alone.
Keeping your feelings to yourself can lead to loneliness and isolation.
You may also find it harder to control your emotions.
People who don’t have a loved one facing death might have no way of understanding how you feel.
And even someone who has been through the death of a loved one will likely have experienced it differently.
It can be upsetting when someone tries to tell you what to do or how to feel.
Some people react to this unsolicited advice with anger; others simply shut down.
However, neither will help you cope.
Find a friend who doesn’t judge and will let you express anger.
If your friend tries to share unwanted advice, speak up.
Let your friend know you want someone who will listen and not attempt to fix things.
There is no easy fix for your emotions.
Still, a good listener can help you feel less alone.
Onlinesupport groupscan also be helpful.
Groups likeCancerCareprovide support for caregivers of people with terminal illnesses.
They may not want to remember their loved one as they were dying.
Instead, they may want to remember how the person was before their illness.
Spending time with a dying loved one is important for many people.
This is true not just for the person who is dying but also for close loved ones.
Find meaningful ways to spend time together.
Try sharing old photographs or memorabilia.
Ask your loved one to share stories about family heirlooms and other possessions like jewelry.
You may find that reminiscing can be healing.
Consider making videos of your loved one sharing stories.
These recordings can be shared with children, friends, and other family members.
you’re able to also try giving your loved one a hand orfoot massage.
This can help reduce the pain and stiffness of arthritis.
It can also provide needed touch.
Reading your loved one’s favorite novels out loud is another meaningful way to spend time together.
Everyone finds meaning in different things.
Ultimately, the activities you choose are not important.
What’s important is the time you spend with the person, even if it’s in silence.
Don’t feel like you better fill all of your time together with chatter.
You may feel nervous about visiting your loved one.
Many people fear they will break down and make their loved one’s grief even worse.
This is why it can be helpful to learn how totalk to a dying loved one.
What Should You Say or Not Say to a Dying Parent?
It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is dying.
Remember, too, that it is okay to say nothing at all and just be present.
Keep in mind that your loved one almost certainly prefers to see you, even if there are tears.
You may be afraid your loved one will want to talk about their death.
If you feel anxious, take some time to think about and face your own fears.
It is just as important for kids to work through their grief.
Like adults, children need a safe place to express themselves.
There are several grief myths about children and teens.
For example, it is a myth that children don’t feel an impending loss as deeply.
Talking about death with children who have a seriously ill parent has been shown to be helpful.
It can help decrease anxiety, depression, and behavioral problems.
Children need to know they will be cared for after the death.
They need to understand they wont be abandoned.
There are many goodbooks to help children cope with death and dying.
Some of the tips below, like art therapy, may also be helpful for children.
These retreats are all-expense-paid trips for qualified families with children under 18.
Legacy Retreats help families form lifelong memories.
These families also get help learning to cope with a parent’s terminal diagnosis.
Try Journaling
Keeping ajournalcan be healing.
It can help you express things you wouldnt feel comfortable sharing with a friend.
Some people prefer a private journal.
Others may want to use a site likeCaringBridge.
This pop in of forum can help you share thoughts and feelings with friends and family.
It also lets you share updates and requests for help.
You may also want to try writing letters.
If you are the person who is dying, consider writing letters to your children or other family members.
Some people write letters to be opened on future occasions like birthdays or graduations.
Letters are a helpful way to express emotions and can be a gift to those left behind.
“Holistic” means treating the whole person, including mental and emotional health.
Some of these therapies have been found to help with emotions like anxiety.
What is good for the dying person may also be good for their loved ones.
One review found that spirituality can be helpful for the family and friends of the dying.
Spirituality is associated with a better quality of life and a lower risk of disease and death.
How Can I Stop Grieving Over My Terminal Diagnosis?
Let yourself experience your emotions and move towards acceptance.
Maintain a Sense of Humor
Theres not much room for humor when someone is dying.
Still, in the right setting, humor can sometimes be healing.
In fact, one review found a strong benefit of humor in the end-of-life setting.
Humor can benefit the patient and loved ones alike.
Humor is helpful in many ways, but it’s important not to trivialize your loved one’s situation.
Don’t make jokes about pain, for example.
Avoid too much laughter if the dying person has sore ribs or belly pain.
It may take some thought to bring humor to your loved one’s bedside.
One person might enjoy funny emails and memes.
Others may enjoy silly movies or television.
Some people may even appreciate jokes about death.
Some cancer centers even offer laughter therapy for people with advanced cancer.
While laughter isn’t always helpful, sometimes, it can lighten a heavy mood.
Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be healing.
Learning to forgive yourself is just as important as forgiving others.
The time before death is very emotional.
There may beangerand resentment among family members.
Still, this is also a time to resolve differences.
Listening is an important first step toward forgiveness.
Two people can sometimes say the same things, just in different ways.
Someone once said resentment is a poison you prepare for another and drink yourself.
Letting go of resentment and pain from the past can be freeing.
Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.
Some people seem to wait to die until after a loved one says goodbye.
The goodbye can act as permission to die.
This can be helpful for the dying person and for loved ones.
A goodbye can be a beautiful gift.
It is a common experience.
There are many ways to cope with anticipatory grief, but everyone grieves in individual ways.
It is important to let yourself grieve.
have a go at spend time with your dying loved one, even if it’s difficult.
Talk to children about death and grief and let them express themselves.
Children with terminally ill parents may also benefit from a family retreat.
Other coping strategies can include journaling, writing letters, and holistic approaches like meditation and art therapy.
Spirituality can also be helpful for both the dying and their loved ones.
A sense of humor can help both you and your loved one.
It can also be important to practice forgiveness and to give your loved one permission to die.
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